I am sorely depressed, today I am sad beyond reasoning. I cannot focus, I cannot think. I feel alone, empty and cold. there is no one, the person that seems to care somewhat about me is not here, so today I move from class to class in pure misery...nothing seems to be going my way. I back out of something because I care more for a friend than myself, even if it means destroying my own happiness. Even If I'm not happy...atleast he is. I love to see him smile, I love to see him laugh. A bit of poetry I wrote last night, both in misery and in content. Misery because of something that isn't going to happen, content because he is happy.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   Shattered Hearts

I love you. But you did not love me, a toy, a game, a joke I turned out to be. Left for death to consume, anothe found me. My light, my hope. I followed mesmerized by your light, but to no avail found you had another. Again I drift in darkness, alone, uncared for, unkepmt. I see no point, I see no light. I see dark, I see pain. I see no joy, no laughter, nor feel any warmth. It's all out of reach, while I am held back by winters cold, deathly hands.

I long every day to feel what they feel, to experience the joy that they feel. To be a light, alit with joy and love. A fools dream, a fantasy, is all it shall remain.

My heart was once whole, but it was shattered into a thousand shards. Slowly I picked up these fragile pieces with you, only to find that you've scattered them again with no hope to find them once more.

So I'll watch you, devotion undying to your joy, doing everything I can. Even if I do not share in your joy. I can feel content, that you have joy.

I'll die for you, I'll sacrifice my life for you. I'll let what pieces of my heart, my soul, my life go for you. It is you that I take joy in. It is your smile that makes me smile, even when I feel the paint of a thousand torments inside.

I love you, but you do not know it. I'll watch from the shadows, my smile because of yours, even though I did not cause yours.

I love you, devotion undying...even I am, day by day, my devotion will not.

Roberta

2/13/05

As  you can see...I would die for him. I would do anything to make him smile or laugh. Because he is my friend, I wont do what I want to do to make myself happy. I want him to be happy, even at personal cost. I want him to smile. Even though I may not smile ever again, he will. I can live with myself, knowing that he's happy. I wish that things turned out different...but I can't change the past. It is because of the past, that caused me this unhappiness, but because of the past, caused him happiness. I'm happy for him, beyond beliefe....but...there is part of me, the selfish part, that wants to go through with my plan. I didn't do exactly what I'd planned. But in a way, he may get the hint, or he may see it on a different level. But to me, he is perfect. Perfect in everyway. My guiding light. If he is reading this...right now. I wish that he would understand me...but I highly doubt he would, he's happy...I do not wish to tear away his happines for my own.

I love you....I don't know how, it just...clicked. I grew attached and the hatred and fear I had of wanting a relationship melted away, letting me feel more comfortable. I should have acted when I could, but it's too late now. I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

more than anything in the world. I would give up my paychecks, I would give up my home, I would give up my life for you, because...I love you. You do more for me than you will ever know. You keep me alive in away. You pulled me from the darkness I was drowning in. I love you.

-Pearl