*sighs* well..yes...I'm finally clearing my email of him. I've given up...I cannot bear this anymore. Waiting to see if he still loves me is killing me slowly.

I cannot stand to wait any longer...his message seems clear enough. When I get home tonight...I will send him one final email. something along the lines of this:

 I am sending an email to ask something of you. Do you still care about me? Do you still love me the way I will always love you? If you do not and wish to never hear from me again. I understand, if I can get a reply telling me what you want. I can make life better for you and either leave you alone or see how I can work on whatever that is bothering you. Please reply if you can. If email silence is maintained, I understand the message and will not bother you again.

Something like this...I feel it will be better for the both of us if we find a happy medium. That medium may have me being alone for awhile..so be it. As long as he's happy, that's all I really care about...I deleted old emails from him. I can't even bear to read them with out breaking down in tears. All I have to do is delete pictures, get rid of his email and cover the writing on the bottom of a clay dish I made awhile ago in an art class or never look at the bottom of it again. That may be easier.

Dating must be pointless for me to pursue... because I see things this way:

 I'm 16 almost 17, I've been able to date for about a year.

A. Haven't had a first date

B. No one has asked

C.(parents wont let me ask guys out if you think that I should ask, stupid rule of theirs)

D. I've had one long distance relationship that turned out very unsucessful and brought me nothing but heartbreak.

  See...signs...I take it that I shouldn't date...I shouldn't think about it...I shouldn't want to. I should be like I was when I was 15 "dating is highly overrated and pointless" to quote myself.

For some dating is the world, for others dating is their lives and for few dating is pointless, null and void. Just like me...Nick thinks I'm being to critical of myself. I find if I don't get my hopes up...there will be no chance of me being hurt again. Being critical keeps my expectations and hopes down. I've given up on this world of relationships...I do not belong.

Yet another world I don't belong in...someday I will find where I belong. That someday may be after I am long dead though. I feel very strongly it will be. I don't belong here...I don't belong anywhere...I used to think I belonged with my love. But see where that put me... I must not belong in this world...no matter where I go...I never have a spot where I feel like I truely belong somewhere.

Everyone has a place that they call home, a place where they fit in, where the belong. I've yet to find my 'home' yet.

Sad world isn't it...that doesn't feel someone with a unique mind belongs.

very very sad...

I'll give up on this whole world someday...but for now..just the world of a relationship.