*sighs* here I be again...with this annoying voice program called business center...the voice..just..makes me soo irrate...

*sighs again*you know...it's been a month since I last talked to him...I keep waiting and waiting..butI have this feeling..that it may never come..that he may never talk to me again..oh what a sad day this will be...when I finally accept the truth..part of me wants to..the other part wants to believe that there will be a time when he'll come back to me...and be my lovie once again...but am I just dreaming a dream that will never ever come true or happen? Was he lying...was he lying about how much he wanted to come see me? Was he lying about how much he was looking forward to this summer to see me..and how hard he was working on getting the money. Was he lying about how much he loved me? I am very confused....if he was lying...why? why did he pick me out of the thousands of people around him...well girls atleast why me? why target me...because I'm desperate? Because I'm pathetic....I am so depressed about this....

all it does is prove how my thinking is right...no one..in their right mind..would never love me anymore than a friend....I'm..just...not right somewhere for people.

what's wrong with me? I do not know...I wish I did..then I could fix it..or try to...I delve into my books, rpgs, tv and the internet...even into the world of the paranormal...seeking refuge from the world...I hide..for some reason I hide...what am I afraid of? what is out there in the world...that I am so afraid of?

Hiding..that is what I am doing..I hide behind fake smiles and joy...I hide behind my computer(s) and games...I hide behind my books...hoping to some how escape the world...what is it that I hide from..who or what am I afraid of? Will I let my fear control my life? I do not know.

I over hear my parents speaking now and then..when they think I can't hear...my mother says the electrical waves I'm around is frying my brain and I'm being a useless, self person...my dad thinks I spend too much time with my electronics...that I need to find something better to do...My dad also thinks that I'm desperate..and that people target me because of that...I am very lonely...but that doesn't make me an extreamly desperate person now does it? I don't know...

why don't I know? Why don't I know anything? I'm so confused.............

I hate my confusion and my little understanding of anything....I also hate these headaches I get..I feel so dizzy...I feel sick to my stomach...my vision blurs in and out...I hate this..I hate my life.

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

 i'M IN PAIN...*cries* also..I'm lonely...save me.....*sighs* short blog..w/e

heheh...joke from futurama...XD anyhoos..nothing new...just working on a brick wall...on the computer..no I'm not building one around it...I'm making a digital one..tis neatness...XD anyways..I am not a happy squee muffin. My friend NICK IS MISSING SCHOOL TODAY!

THE BOY BETTER HAVE A DECENT REASON!*rants for about 5 more minutes about what he'll use as an excuse.*

*sighs* went to a dinner dance on saturday...bah..a few good songs....didn't dance with anyone..no one notices..no one cares...*sigh*

ARGH....STUPID 3DMAX! Crash on me will you...*fumes* SMASH 3DMAX!*bashes it around*.........okay...beep...I'm done ranting about that........

tra la la la la alalala.

haaahahahaha

BEEP!

Hmm need a topic for my next library assignment for english...so far I've got:

Astral projection

Astrology

Alchemy

Ghosts

HMMMMM

well I don't think I'll do ghosts...that'll close my paranormal topic..I don't want to do that...Astrology seems pretty good...but I think Alchemy is what I'll do...Nick got my interested in seeing how it all works...so I think I'll go with that. I just have to use the readers guide for it tho -_-...but it may make things a tad bit easier. But who knows..if Alchemy has nothing..I'll go astrology. Tra la la la

last night I think I really really annoyed misha...I mean really  annoyed him..so I must figure a way to make it up to him and BE VERY VERY VERY SORRY.....*SIGHS* I some times hate it when I get really hyper....oh yes...check out bored.com, find the funny farm under either dumb or weird...they've got some good things..like 10 simple rules to date my daughter...or tha application to date my daughter..heh...which my dad needs both..he thinks..but being as I am one of the most ignored people in this school..no..scratch that...state...I have very little chances of having a date...-_- I hate my life. *bleh* *insert yuckiness here* I don't feel good...the printer that prints the vynyl stuff...smell really really really weird and is making me sick.

I don't think I'll do my daily fruit

*gags*

bleh...this stuff does make you feel sick...I wonder if it's just me...

beepness

Mcdonalds(where I work) got a remodle...looks less like a small town fast food place and more like and uptown New York City resturaunt...ish lovely..I have more to clean and less boredom..I have to clean the lights frequently..we have overhead hanging lights over the tables..I could do with them being a bit higher(my poor head is throbbing from yesterday and todays chemicals from the printer)

letsee...I've conqured the brick wall project...the dock project(which was a pain...a major one being as I couldn't get the view right -_-...right now working on a 'cartoon bee' yes...a bee...to quote zim...

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS SSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" hahaha...

that was funny..great eppisode...so was FullMetal Alchemist the other night...it rocked...magic circle...w00t..

la la la

anyways....not much else to report...still waiting for an email...*sighs*

more randomness...bleh..pain sorrow..heartbreak..a black rose left to wilt and die...that is what I feel and am...am I dumped? or do I still have a lovie out there?

I am unsure and confused...pain consums me as to why I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks and his last letter very cold and hateful...my mind, my heart..my very soul feels broken and betrayed...did I spend almost 2 and half years...believeing that someone actually loved me for me when they could have been lying? Or found me as some sort of amusing game...scott tells me that isn't so..that it's because he is somewhat of a depressive...I am very hurt and confused...

confused...

confused...confused...

confused...

confused...

v

confused...

v

v

vconfused...confused...confused...confused...

confused...confused...

confused...

confused...

confused...

confused...

confused...

v

v

v

vconfused...

merf....why must I feel so alone and empty...is there no one out there for me....is there no one that would ever love me...am I that...different or whatever it is that keeps others from this......I had high hopes for this..I put in alot..and now..I have nothing...I feel nothing...I feel cold, so very betrayed..

I am sad..so very sad...I want to hide somewhere...like a hole and wait to die..because...if that was a lie and I was a game..then it will keep happening...just used and tossed aside when I become last weeks news..

perhaps there is someone better, closer(on all planes), prettier....in all..much better than me..that he found...then were feelings uncared for?

I am the black rose

left in winters cold bite...shredded and wilted..I die slowly..the only thing that remains of me...is the shell of me..The very thing that made me smile and happy...will not speak to me..the last thing sounding very cold and hateful was the last I have heard...am I that useless..am I that disposable..am I that pathetic...do I have no one..is there no one meant for me..there are a few like me..but none are for me..nothing I have found are for me...I am nothing...the black rose left behind...crushed and broken.

 nothing remains of my once happy soul, nothing remains of my heart..only a few shards of what was broken...like glass dropped on cement.

 Fading hope like clouds over taking the sun is like myself is being drown in sorrow...

I am sad..so very sad...I feel as though my heart were glass and dropped from a building..a tall one..and it shattered into a thousand pieces..along with the rest of my soul and body. I am so sad..I feel as though..that no one would love me...maybe I'm not like the super models who are thin as twigs or particularly smart...I'm loving..and I can be very devoted...but still...that isn't good enough for today..no one would ever love me for me..I have to look like some twiggy model to get attention..or where the skimpy clothes I hate to get anyone's attention..I take joy no more..I am truely broken....why me..why did I have to be a target for someones horrific game...why did they have to find my sorrows and then make me feel like I was something important..then..throw it all aside and leave me to wilt...

I am a nothing..aren't I? A simple nothing..that doesn't deserve to exist..I think the only people that remotely care I exist now are Misha, Nick and Micky...only people..only 3 care I exist..my parents do..but they don't count..they are suppose to...I am a nothing..a nothing that is going to live alone, die alone and be burried alone...