Alrighty then,

  I know I haven't updated this in forever...for a good look at what had been happening in the past few months of my life look at http://xxtrinityxx.deviantart.com/journal" title="http://xxtrinityxx.deviantart.com/journal" target="_blank"http://xxtrinityxx.deviantart... it'll make alot of things make sense.

  it also makes me sound really paranoid and stuff..

man my shoes are cutting into me...crap that freaking hurts.

*yawns* anyways...I'm currently in a wonderful relationship and loving every second of it. I'll have to get a pic of dustin(my boyfriend) up somehweres...*sighs* I've gotten into ki training with a friend of mine and also I am working on dream interpertation. so life is cool right now!

I am sorely depressed, today I am sad beyond reasoning. I cannot focus, I cannot think. I feel alone, empty and cold. there is no one, the person that seems to care somewhat about me is not here, so today I move from class to class in pure misery...nothing seems to be going my way. I back out of something because I care more for a friend than myself, even if it means destroying my own happiness. Even If I'm not happy...atleast he is. I love to see him smile, I love to see him laugh. A bit of poetry I wrote last night, both in misery and in content. Misery because of something that isn't going to happen, content because he is happy.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   Shattered Hearts

I love you. But you did not love me, a toy, a game, a joke I turned out to be. Left for death to consume, anothe found me. My light, my hope. I followed mesmerized by your light, but to no avail found you had another. Again I drift in darkness, alone, uncared for, unkepmt. I see no point, I see no light. I see dark, I see pain. I see no joy, no laughter, nor feel any warmth. It's all out of reach, while I am held back by winters cold, deathly hands.

I long every day to feel what they feel, to experience the joy that they feel. To be a light, alit with joy and love. A fools dream, a fantasy, is all it shall remain.

My heart was once whole, but it was shattered into a thousand shards. Slowly I picked up these fragile pieces with you, only to find that you've scattered them again with no hope to find them once more.

So I'll watch you, devotion undying to your joy, doing everything I can. Even if I do not share in your joy. I can feel content, that you have joy.

I'll die for you, I'll sacrifice my life for you. I'll let what pieces of my heart, my soul, my life go for you. It is you that I take joy in. It is your smile that makes me smile, even when I feel the paint of a thousand torments inside.

I love you, but you do not know it. I'll watch from the shadows, my smile because of yours, even though I did not cause yours.

I love you, devotion undying...even I am, day by day, my devotion will not.

Roberta

2/13/05

As  you can see...I would die for him. I would do anything to make him smile or laugh. Because he is my friend, I wont do what I want to do to make myself happy. I want him to be happy, even at personal cost. I want him to smile. Even though I may not smile ever again, he will. I can live with myself, knowing that he's happy. I wish that things turned out different...but I can't change the past. It is because of the past, that caused me this unhappiness, but because of the past, caused him happiness. I'm happy for him, beyond beliefe....but...there is part of me, the selfish part, that wants to go through with my plan. I didn't do exactly what I'd planned. But in a way, he may get the hint, or he may see it on a different level. But to me, he is perfect. Perfect in everyway. My guiding light. If he is reading this...right now. I wish that he would understand me...but I highly doubt he would, he's happy...I do not wish to tear away his happines for my own.

I love you....I don't know how, it just...clicked. I grew attached and the hatred and fear I had of wanting a relationship melted away, letting me feel more comfortable. I should have acted when I could, but it's too late now. I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

more than anything in the world. I would give up my paychecks, I would give up my home, I would give up my life for you, because...I love you. You do more for me than you will ever know. You keep me alive in away. You pulled me from the darkness I was drowning in. I love you.

-Pearl

*sighs* well..yes...I'm finally clearing my email of him. I've given up...I cannot bear this anymore. Waiting to see if he still loves me is killing me slowly.

I cannot stand to wait any longer...his message seems clear enough. When I get home tonight...I will send him one final email. something along the lines of this:

 I am sending an email to ask something of you. Do you still care about me? Do you still love me the way I will always love you? If you do not and wish to never hear from me again. I understand, if I can get a reply telling me what you want. I can make life better for you and either leave you alone or see how I can work on whatever that is bothering you. Please reply if you can. If email silence is maintained, I understand the message and will not bother you again.

Something like this...I feel it will be better for the both of us if we find a happy medium. That medium may have me being alone for awhile..so be it. As long as he's happy, that's all I really care about...I deleted old emails from him. I can't even bear to read them with out breaking down in tears. All I have to do is delete pictures, get rid of his email and cover the writing on the bottom of a clay dish I made awhile ago in an art class or never look at the bottom of it again. That may be easier.

Dating must be pointless for me to pursue... because I see things this way:

 I'm 16 almost 17, I've been able to date for about a year.

A. Haven't had a first date

B. No one has asked

C.(parents wont let me ask guys out if you think that I should ask, stupid rule of theirs)

D. I've had one long distance relationship that turned out very unsucessful and brought me nothing but heartbreak.

  See...signs...I take it that I shouldn't date...I shouldn't think about it...I shouldn't want to. I should be like I was when I was 15 "dating is highly overrated and pointless" to quote myself.

For some dating is the world, for others dating is their lives and for few dating is pointless, null and void. Just like me...Nick thinks I'm being to critical of myself. I find if I don't get my hopes up...there will be no chance of me being hurt again. Being critical keeps my expectations and hopes down. I've given up on this world of relationships...I do not belong.

Yet another world I don't belong in...someday I will find where I belong. That someday may be after I am long dead though. I feel very strongly it will be. I don't belong here...I don't belong anywhere...I used to think I belonged with my love. But see where that put me... I must not belong in this world...no matter where I go...I never have a spot where I feel like I truely belong somewhere.

Everyone has a place that they call home, a place where they fit in, where the belong. I've yet to find my 'home' yet.

Sad world isn't it...that doesn't feel someone with a unique mind belongs.

very very sad...

I'll give up on this whole world someday...but for now..just the world of a relationship.

*sighs* here I be again...with this annoying voice program called business center...the voice..just..makes me soo irrate...

*sighs again*you know...it's been a month since I last talked to him...I keep waiting and waiting..butI have this feeling..that it may never come..that he may never talk to me again..oh what a sad day this will be...when I finally accept the truth..part of me wants to..the other part wants to believe that there will be a time when he'll come back to me...and be my lovie once again...but am I just dreaming a dream that will never ever come true or happen? Was he lying...was he lying about how much he wanted to come see me? Was he lying about how much he was looking forward to this summer to see me..and how hard he was working on getting the money. Was he lying about how much he loved me? I am very confused....if he was lying...why? why did he pick me out of the thousands of people around him...well girls atleast why me? why target me...because I'm desperate? Because I'm pathetic....I am so depressed about this....

all it does is prove how my thinking is right...no one..in their right mind..would never love me anymore than a friend....I'm..just...not right somewhere for people.

what's wrong with me? I do not know...I wish I did..then I could fix it..or try to...I delve into my books, rpgs, tv and the internet...even into the world of the paranormal...seeking refuge from the world...I hide..for some reason I hide...what am I afraid of? what is out there in the world...that I am so afraid of?

Hiding..that is what I am doing..I hide behind fake smiles and joy...I hide behind my computer(s) and games...I hide behind my books...hoping to some how escape the world...what is it that I hide from..who or what am I afraid of? Will I let my fear control my life? I do not know.

I over hear my parents speaking now and then..when they think I can't hear...my mother says the electrical waves I'm around is frying my brain and I'm being a useless, self person...my dad thinks I spend too much time with my electronics...that I need to find something better to do...My dad also thinks that I'm desperate..and that people target me because of that...I am very lonely...but that doesn't make me an extreamly desperate person now does it? I don't know...

why don't I know? Why don't I know anything? I'm so confused.............

I hate my confusion and my little understanding of anything....I also hate these headaches I get..I feel so dizzy...I feel sick to my stomach...my vision blurs in and out...I hate this..I hate my life.

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

 i'M IN PAIN...*cries* also..I'm lonely...save me.....*sighs* short blog..w/e

heheh...joke from futurama...XD anyhoos..nothing new...just working on a brick wall...on the computer..no I'm not building one around it...I'm making a digital one..tis neatness...XD anyways..I am not a happy squee muffin. My friend NICK IS MISSING SCHOOL TODAY!

THE BOY BETTER HAVE A DECENT REASON!*rants for about 5 more minutes about what he'll use as an excuse.*

*sighs* went to a dinner dance on saturday...bah..a few good songs....didn't dance with anyone..no one notices..no one cares...*sigh*

ARGH....STUPID 3DMAX! Crash on me will you...*fumes* SMASH 3DMAX!*bashes it around*.........okay...beep...I'm done ranting about that........

tra la la la la alalala.

haaahahahaha

BEEP!

Hmm need a topic for my next library assignment for english...so far I've got:

Astral projection

Astrology

Alchemy

Ghosts

HMMMMM

well I don't think I'll do ghosts...that'll close my paranormal topic..I don't want to do that...Astrology seems pretty good...but I think Alchemy is what I'll do...Nick got my interested in seeing how it all works...so I think I'll go with that. I just have to use the readers guide for it tho -_-...but it may make things a tad bit easier. But who knows..if Alchemy has nothing..I'll go astrology. Tra la la la

last night I think I really really annoyed misha...I mean really  annoyed him..so I must figure a way to make it up to him and BE VERY VERY VERY SORRY.....*SIGHS* I some times hate it when I get really hyper....oh yes...check out bored.com, find the funny farm under either dumb or weird...they've got some good things..like 10 simple rules to date my daughter...or tha application to date my daughter..heh...which my dad needs both..he thinks..but being as I am one of the most ignored people in this school..no..scratch that...state...I have very little chances of having a date...-_- I hate my life. *bleh* *insert yuckiness here* I don't feel good...the printer that prints the vynyl stuff...smell really really really weird and is making me sick.

I don't think I'll do my daily fruit

*gags*

bleh...this stuff does make you feel sick...I wonder if it's just me...

beepness

Mcdonalds(where I work) got a remodle...looks less like a small town fast food place and more like and uptown New York City resturaunt...ish lovely..I have more to clean and less boredom..I have to clean the lights frequently..we have overhead hanging lights over the tables..I could do with them being a bit higher(my poor head is throbbing from yesterday and todays chemicals from the printer)

letsee...I've conqured the brick wall project...the dock project(which was a pain...a major one being as I couldn't get the view right -_-...right now working on a 'cartoon bee' yes...a bee...to quote zim...

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS SSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" hahaha...

that was funny..great eppisode...so was FullMetal Alchemist the other night...it rocked...magic circle...w00t..

la la la

anyways....not much else to report...still waiting for an email...*sighs*

more randomness...bleh..pain sorrow..heartbreak..a black rose left to wilt and die...that is what I feel and am...am I dumped? or do I still have a lovie out there?

I am unsure and confused...pain consums me as to why I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks and his last letter very cold and hateful...my mind, my heart..my very soul feels broken and betrayed...did I spend almost 2 and half years...believeing that someone actually loved me for me when they could have been lying? Or found me as some sort of amusing game...scott tells me that isn't so..that it's because he is somewhat of a depressive...I am very hurt and confused...

confused...

confused...confused...

confused...

confused...

v

confused...

v

v

vconfused...confused...confused...confused...

confused...confused...

confused...

confused...

confused...

confused...

confused...

v

v

v

vconfused...

merf....why must I feel so alone and empty...is there no one out there for me....is there no one that would ever love me...am I that...different or whatever it is that keeps others from this......I had high hopes for this..I put in alot..and now..I have nothing...I feel nothing...I feel cold, so very betrayed..

I am sad..so very sad...I want to hide somewhere...like a hole and wait to die..because...if that was a lie and I was a game..then it will keep happening...just used and tossed aside when I become last weeks news..

perhaps there is someone better, closer(on all planes), prettier....in all..much better than me..that he found...then were feelings uncared for?

I am the black rose

left in winters cold bite...shredded and wilted..I die slowly..the only thing that remains of me...is the shell of me..The very thing that made me smile and happy...will not speak to me..the last thing sounding very cold and hateful was the last I have heard...am I that useless..am I that disposable..am I that pathetic...do I have no one..is there no one meant for me..there are a few like me..but none are for me..nothing I have found are for me...I am nothing...the black rose left behind...crushed and broken.

 nothing remains of my once happy soul, nothing remains of my heart..only a few shards of what was broken...like glass dropped on cement.

 Fading hope like clouds over taking the sun is like myself is being drown in sorrow...

I am sad..so very sad...I feel as though my heart were glass and dropped from a building..a tall one..and it shattered into a thousand pieces..along with the rest of my soul and body. I am so sad..I feel as though..that no one would love me...maybe I'm not like the super models who are thin as twigs or particularly smart...I'm loving..and I can be very devoted...but still...that isn't good enough for today..no one would ever love me for me..I have to look like some twiggy model to get attention..or where the skimpy clothes I hate to get anyone's attention..I take joy no more..I am truely broken....why me..why did I have to be a target for someones horrific game...why did they have to find my sorrows and then make me feel like I was something important..then..throw it all aside and leave me to wilt...

I am a nothing..aren't I? A simple nothing..that doesn't deserve to exist..I think the only people that remotely care I exist now are Misha, Nick and Micky...only people..only 3 care I exist..my parents do..but they don't count..they are suppose to...I am a nothing..a nothing that is going to live alone, die alone and be burried alone...

*sighs* I'm in a bad mood now..I got my 2ND ACCOUNT ON NEOPETS FROZEN....for no reason..it said I broke the rules..I didn't..

*sighs again* another day eh? just..tiring..I walk to work today..pick up my paycheck..going to use it to make me happy..the pay check is devoted to me this pay period. get a book..get an easel...get some stuff from hot topic..*shrugs* Something that will make me happy..I wish I could get kelly down here to spend time with..but school prevents that.

Mmm...I feel..odd today...I've lost the laughs from my viewing of Decline of Video Gamming..tho that flash movie rocks..I've just lost it..mmmm strange..I wonder where this day will go. I suppose losing another account is depressing enough..

*sighs*

I am myself

nothing more

nothing less

just me

just a person who feels ripped in two

a person who had 2 sides to her

a person who is..me

mmm...Ima go now..

 *sighs* my computer at home keeps crashing any time I try to update there..so you'll have to deal with...the blogs updates comming from school..in which I really don't mind..it's jus that sometimes I'd like to update more at home..but I guess this'll work. *sighs again*

Ah misha-san...poor misha..confused and lost..sick too. *pats on head* well maybe not confused..but lost. Mm..I don't know what I mean any more. Tis a sad sad thing.

balloon duel isn't working...darn. Stupid...media crap.

yeah...not much has happend..I'm dealing with my mom..one step at a time. It's stressful now and then...really stressful. The whole test for history yesterday was half stressing, half nervous breakdown..I mean this one counted for 30% of my grade..I am really afraid of failing anything, lest I get lectured half to death by mom..which will scare the living crap out of me when she rants. *shudders* must..deal with mom...2 more years I keep telling myself

2 more years

do I even know if I'll make it through 2 more years?

no..I don't..I never do. But scott tells me that I can handle alot more than I think..he says I don't credit myself enough. Well I'll take credit for the following

my 2 oil paintings

my wretched C in math

my messy room

my pastel pieces

and..I dunno. that's it I guess...I don't give myself enough credit..pah.

I'm just..I dunno...tired..of all of this..I want to leave so badly sometimes.

I've been close to leaving about 10 times this summer...It was just saddening...so horrible in my life at that time..that I really did want to leave.

I had clothes ready for packing..a bag in my hand..finding my tent..gathering money..then something stops me..I can't..I just can't..I fall on my bed sobbing wondering what is wrong with me.

I feel lost at times...wandering through dark woods, wondering where I am.

I wonder how I get caught up with things...that makes me..so sad...things that make me fall asleep crying.

why do I cry myself to sleep? sometimes I wonder what's going on inside my mind.

I am..going to play some mindless games now on flashplayer...meep..*hugs misha*

Well..my music search was unsucessful..I like far too much new age..I need to expand the new age database..from zip to atleast..hmm *counts* 7 cds or more. And add the who, my sound tracks n' junk. 12 Girl band is on top of my list along with Paul Okanfold..I need to bring my cds tomorrow..methinks I shall..mostly likely I shall. whee. I am thrilled..Frank my bud, has qouted me in his blog..which is Jeris's blog(I recommend that for a read, he's quite the character). My nickname is pearl now..I'm glad he thinks of my so fondly..I like having a friend like that. It's quite pleasent. I like having a friend like that..the world needs more people that can be nice and friendly..and just be..well..them. But the world doesn't need another frank..I like having one frank..I need to make a nickname for Frank..then..it shall be complete. Hmm I need one that..makes sense...Frank is Frank that I can say...so I need something that screams frank..something makes his..usually quiet, yet weird, loveable..self..shine through in this nickname. Something that is Frank..My friend is how I greet him..but that is too general..I need something that pin points him, well I can't exactly pin point his personality..because as he said it would be trying to read emotions. Which I can't do. So what can I call this person who makes me feel better, who makes me laugh, who is problaby the close friend that I so desire?  What can I call this person who is getting to know me through each trial that he helps me through..I can call him something that is worthy of the greatness that he is to me. This person that seems to understand things that others don't..this person that tells things like it is..without over dramatizing it. This person who makes me..me..and keeps me on the usual line of sanity and insanity. A name is something..but a nickname..shows yourself.. so I need to call him something that matches him. I need to think of something..now let me think..*goes into a dark corner and ponders*

 whee isn't it fun how I end these blogs?....moo*pokes you with a bendi straw*

Man..it was forever since I updated this..sorry..for some reason my parents keep grounding me off the net..I mean so what I stay online a little bit over my bed time. Anyhoos.. I'm now in public school..that's where I am right now..hehehehehe..no I"m not goofing on when I should be working, I have free time in computer lab so that means I get to do whatever I wish(well not whatever..as long as it's moral and leagal) with their highspeed internet LAN service. Man I wish I could get on one of the computes and try out halo before I buy it. I problaby will just buy halo and get my butt kicked multiple times before I get good. My bud frank said to go lengendary mode first by myself til I get good, then go against someone. I really wish I could try it now tho. but that's my impaitent self speaking..heh. Looking for music on our student music library..meh..not much of my favorites I've found 'cept Linkin Park and Evanescence. Hmmm Lemme see..well it's kinda bizzare being as I listen to New Age and that's most likely not a popular music genre with today's teens. Hmm I need to bring in my cds..moo I wanna get on Runescape...maybe it'll work. *leaves to go search the database and find Runescape* Bye who ever is reading this..me poketh ye!

*leaves after poking you with bendi straw*

  Que